Soul searching

I've been thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that the reason I'm so attached to Bonhoeffer House is because the guys are here, and recently they're really the only ones who have been.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers here, but I honestly don't want to spend all my time with them. (Shocking, I know.) Given the chance to hang out with other people, I'd take it. I have taken it. I want to make other friends. I want to get to know people. That's why I've been begging for someone to call me, message me on Facebook, anything. I don't want to just talk about my problems; that's getting old even for me.

I'm a Star Trek fan. I'm a classic rock fan. I love to read anything from horror (Stephen King, Dean Koontz) to mystery (Mary Higgins Clark) to John Grisham... and I also love humor. (Unfortunately my own sense of humor seems to have gone underground for the most part of late, but I promise you I do have one!) As most of you have noticed, I'm also a writer. I'm articulate (most of the time 😊), intelligent, idealistic... But you all know that. Yes, I talk slow, but that doesn't mean I am slow (and no one's really treated me like I am, for which I'm thankful).

Bottom line: there may be resources at a shelter that I can't get from Bonhoeffer or Grace, but what about the connections, the friendships that I also need? Being at a shelter won't alleviate the desperate loneliness I feel. I just want someone to spend time with me, getting to know me as a person. I don't know if it's too late to form that kind of a friendship with a couple of the guys at Bonhoeffer -- I pray it's not. But I can make friends outside of that community if I have a chance to.

Why do things have to be so damn hard? I want to stay and I want to go.

Maybe I will leave Dallas. First thing when I get my check next month I'll go get a new ID (use Bonhoeffer as my "home" address, but have it mailed to the church), and then, as soon as it comes in, buy a bus ticket to wherever.

I don't think it's that I can't separate emotionally from the guys. I guess I can if I want to... but I don't want to. I told Ryan that I don't know how to separate, and he said that the physical space would help. Then I asked him, "What if I don't want to?"  He told me that we'd have a problem then -- if I can't separate, if I continue with this emotional attachment/dependence, he'll have to force a separation, and he doesn't want to do that. (That is why I love him so much. He understands and acknowledges how I feel/would feel. He's an amazing person.)

This is worse than what happened two years ago, because now I don't have the benefit of some 5,000 miles (including an ocean!) between us. But one of these days I will be able to separate -- and I'll be able to just be friends with the guys. But at this point, no matter what Ryan thinks, I need them too much. And I agree with him on one point, it's not healthy for any of us. That's why I want a lot of physical distance between me and the house for awhile.

Ryan says that I'm "enslaved" to the house (the residents collectively), and I'm sure he's right about that, too. And I think the only way to get "unenslaved", for lack of a better word, is to put all that physical distance between us.

I have no idea where I'll go. Just head out, I guess. See if I can find yet another new place to belong...

I'm wondering... if I give my phone number out (not that I even know who to give it to), would anyone call me just to talk?

Would anyone be willing to come pick me up from the house and spend time with me during the day (or even in the evening)? I just get so bored hanging around the house and the church most of the time (no offense to the wonderful people who live and work here, lol). And even when I go to SMU, I'm by myself.

One day last week I was there and saw some students on one of the quads. I wanted so much to join them, just to hang out and be with people, you know? But I was also afraid I'd be interrupting them so I didn't go over.

I wish I could meet up with some people away from here. I want to just talk about stuff -- like Star Trek and classic rock music and Adam Lambert (who I adore, BTW...) and books and a lot of things. Just have fun! I still don't think that's too much to ask...

Finding home

I first came to Bonhoeffer House around December 8th of last year, just wanting a place to spend the night (it was near freezing; not a good night to be sleeping in the church parking lot). I never expected to find a home here, but that's exactly what happened.

About a month later, I met with Ceceliah Igweta for the first time to discuss the possibility of joining an Epworth community. I asked about the possibility of spending time at one of the houses, immersing myself in the life the members live, and Ceceliah suggested Cochran House. I thought about it and prayed, and I really believe that God told me that would also be home to me -- which it has been, since the first time I went there for their Thursday night meal. I immediately felt comfortable and like Justin and the girls were family, just as much as the guys at Bonhoeffer are.

I feel that way about Grace Church, as well -- the first time I went to Sunday morning service on December 18th, I felt welcome and like I belonged there -- which I hadn't felt about church in years. (I went to a few masses at Holy Trinity Catholic Church, but they didn't really affect me.)

Pastor Mary at Grace has found me an apartment with a lady who goes to Oasis Global Church where Mary is the pastor. I'm very grateful to her, but... I don't have the "gut feeling" that I'm supposed to be there. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of leaving Bonhoeffer (well, actually that's a given -- as I told Ryan a couple of hours ago, the thought of leaving "home" scares the hell out of me), or if I'm actually supposed to stay in this area. I'm willing to concede that God may be trying to push me out of my comfort zone, but it kind of doesn't feel like that to me. I think I've grown more spiritually over the past five months, living here, than I did in 25 or so years of going to a Baptist church.

I think someone commented during Sunday school a week or so ago that church is sometimes like a club or social get-together, and that's really how I felt early in my life... I went to church more to see my friends than because I was getting anything out of it, spiritually speaking. That is not how I feel about going to Grace. The sermons really touch me, no matter who's preaching, and just being in such a holy place where you know God is... I really can't put into words the effect it's had on me.

And that's why I don't really want to move to far north Dallas, where it'll take me well over an hour to get here on the bus. Better that I find a place close by so I can be around the people who have helped me grow in my faith.

And I feel peace about the fact that I may have to defer starting school for awhile -- not forever, but just until I get settled. (The fact that it'll take me over an hour to get to and from El Centro has a lot to do with it, too...)

So. I guess I'm going to be homeless for a bit longer than I planned...

I'm feeling just like I did when I was in school. Plenty of people know me, or at least know who I am, but no one wants to spend time with me, it feels like. I mean, I had my Stephen minister for a month, and now I have a spiritual director, but I don't have any friends to go out and do stuff with.

Tonight the guys are in the house, eating and having fun (I don't know if they have friends over) and as usual I'm sitting on the porch, wishing desperately that I could be a part of it -- or a part of something. As I said in my Instagram post, I'm sick of being alone and lonely, feeling like no one really wants me or cares about me.

I had a chance to go to Cochran House last night and hang out, watching The Jungle Book and visiting. Unfortunately I took an Uber to Jack in the Box for an early dinner and left my phone in the car so had to wait and hope the driver would come back. (She did, and even gave me a ride home.) So I missed my chance to go up there. But even that was a community event, not something they invited me to because they wanted to spend time with me personally.

To be fair, Justin has put me on his schedule a few times and will continue, for which I'm very grateful. He does want to be friends. And I do know how busy the girls at Cochran and the guys at Bonhoeffer are. But I don't think it's too much to want people to hang out with.

Cochran community meal, 3/23/17, and regarding loneliness

Just left the house and am on my way back to Bonhoeffer.

We had lots of fun tonight as usual. There were only four of us at the table -- Lisa had a late meeting, two of the usual guests were at Seder at SMU, and another is in Austin, so it was just me, Justin, Rebecca, and Macie. We spent quite a while building a monastery on an island off the coast of Scotland (or Ireland, wherever). 😁 Macie texted Lisa to come home and help us. (She sent it as a group text to the "Holy Club", the four residents of the house.)

And of course that made me feel lonely. I understand that most of their texts back and forth are logistical in nature, regarding stuff involving only them, but it made me wish I had more friends, or at least more people to talk to and just be silly like that with. (Lisa thought we'd all lost it, I think. Well, okay, I think she knows we lost it long ago... Did we ever have it??? LOL)

Like I said in my last post, I don't want to seem like I'm trying to push myself on people by approaching them and "begging" them to be my friends -- that's how I'd see it. (Of course past experiences have me so messed up I don't even know how others would see it. And they all have their own lives; who knows if they'd have time for me?)

Something's wrong when you're too scared to try to make friends. I'm fine, as I said, when people approach me (if I hadn't been almost desperate the first time I went to Bonhoeffer House, who knows if I'd be part of things now?) I just don't know what to do.

Loneliness

I hate to say it, but I think I may be on the verge of losing it.

All I do all day long is hang out at the church or at Bonhoeffer House. I mean, there are things to do -- right now I could be at the Bible study in the conference room; twice a week there's an exercise class downstairs... but I need to do something, get together with people away from the church.

I want to make friends and go out to eat once in awhile. Go see a movie. Just do something that doesn't involve church.

I just met with my Stephen minister and told her about sitting on the porch at the house  (I was thinking about something that happened this past weekend), listening to what was going on inside, knowing I couldn't be involved... I couldn't help crying. And I don't know what to do.

I think I may have said something once (I don't remember if it was here or in an email or what) about having to have lived an introverted life for so long that it's hard for me to make friends now. I mean, when people approach me it's fine, but I'm so afraid of being perceived as pushing myself on people that it's hard for me to approach them. Unless I have a reason to, I don't give out my phone number or email address, although I'd like to. Maybe someone would call me and just want to talk or something. I could hope.

I'm just sick of being alone all the time.

Thoughts

Y'know, I'm so glad that a friend of mine told me awhile back that (in his opinion, although a lot of people feel different 😊) it's all right to cuss during prayer (since God knows what we're thinking anyway). 'Cause for the past month or so my prayers have been along the lines of "K, Lord, with reverence -- what the f***?!"

Our Bible study tonight was about God commanding Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. One of the questions that was asked was "What was Abraham's response?" I said a lot different than any of ours would have been. Of course scripture doesn't really tell us what all he went through before he went up the mountain. His initial reaction may have been much like my statement above.

I'm feeling a bit like Abraham right now. I'm having to sacrifice something I really want, something that I feel will help me and others. No, I haven't been promised that a great nation will come out of what I do, but still I feel that it could be important. (I've even thought about launching my own Epworth type of community, but been advised to hold off on that as well.)

It's not like I have to sacrifice it forever, either. I can reapply for Epworth housing every year until I get in. But I'm so impatient -- I want it now, NOW, NOW!  (Patience may be a virtue, but it's not one of mine...)

It doesn't look like God's gonna send a ram for me to sacrifice in place of my dream anytime soon...

Housing

I heard from my case manager at CitySquare yesterday. They'll be opening up a new voucher program soon called Emergency Solutions Grants. She's emailed the supervisor and I believe is trying to get me priority status.

The best thing is that it will override the chronic homelessness, which means I should have housing soon -- hopefully by the summer. I hope to meet with the supervisor sometime and tell them exactly what I would like, if possible... meaning a place roughly halfway between Cochran and Bonhoeffer Houses so I can get to both places easily.

I'm praying it happens quickly.

Community dinner, 3/16/17

Had a marvelous time at Cochran House as usual. We had breakfast for dinner. Scrambled eggs, homemade bread with homemade butter (heavy whipping cream "churned" in a mixer) and homemade preserves. (Once again my lactose intolerance struck, but it was so worth it!)

I mentioned to Justin that I wanted to offer my services as a proofreader/editor to students at SMU, and he suggested that I work with junior high and high school students at first. That makes sense -- it would probably be easier, just to give me some experience.

I'll be volunteering at the church next week, proofing names and addresses for our online directory. If that goes well, then maybe I can work my way up to getting paying jobs from people. I hope so anyway.

Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals

My brother Pat just sent me a copy of the Pocket Edition, and I've already started reading it. It doesn't have all the liturgical stuff that the full edition has (readings for each day), but it has some wonderful prayers, and each month I can reflect on one of the marks of new monasticism (sharing economics, nurturing a common life, geographical proximity -- forming a community within a community, it sounds like -- caring for creation, etc.) There's also a table of scripture readings for morning prayers, which will be helpful.

I think I'll get a lot of use out of this book. 😊

Musings

I suppose a lot of touchy-feely, angsty, emotional hoo-ha could be part of spiritual development, right? Well, I'm going to write about it anyway.

I was texting with a friend a little while ago, and this was my response when she asked me why the Epworth Project leaders  are opposed (if that's the right word) to me living in a community at this time:

"It's my neediness/clinginess/emotional dependency issues. They want me in a more "stable" position. What they don't realize is that living on my own, with no real [should have emphasized community] support, will probably make me more unstable, not less. I can't just "make friends". [If I feel a connection with someone, then yes, it's easy to make friends.] I wish I could.

"Something you told me last year, about feeling like an extrovert forced to live an introverted life, really resonated with me (so much so that I stole it! 😁) So no, I'm not going to put myself in a position where I feel like I'm pushing myself on people, whether they feel that way or not. Does that make any sense?

"If I lived in a house where I knew at least some of the people, even if only the house steward and his wife, and truly felt like I belonged (being able to participate fully in the life of the house), then I have a feeling I'd have a lot fewer issues.

"I've lived with myself for 45 years. I've learned a lot about myself. And also, I believe God brought me here for a reason -- to learn, certainly. But I don't think this would be weighing so heavily on me if he didn't want me living in community with people who care about me."

And that's exactly how I feel. I just don't know if I can make them understand.

That's not the only reason I want to live in community, though -- of course it's not! But they already know what I can bring to a community, so I won't go into all of that now. But I just know that I don't need to be living by myself at this point. Yes, I'll have my private place to retreat to when I don't want to be around other people... but I'd have my own room in an Epworth house -- a private place to retreat to when I don't want to be around other people. I don't understand the difference.

New Day service, 3/5/17

The service at Amani House  tonight was wonderful! The hosts, Peter and  Ahadi (sp?), are a lovely Congolese couple (Peter was at choir practice, so I actually didn't get to meet him 😊), so we got to learn two praise songs in Swahili, plus we had our scripture reading (Matthew 17:1-13) in Swahili, Korean, and English (three different readings).

That's one thing I love about being at Grace and being part of the Epworth communities -- there are people from all different cultures and backgrounds. So different from the churches I went to 20+ years ago.

Having heard the Lord's Prayer in Korean the past few weeks, and in Swahili tonight, makes me want to learn it in Japanese now, lol. (For those who don't know, I'm Japanese on my mom's side; I was just never interested in learning the language.)

Even though I didn't feel like I was "home" as I do at Bonhoeffer and Cochran Houses, I do look forward to going to future services there.

Good news, bad news, worse news

Bad news: Epworth housing is off the table -- for now.

Worse news: I'm being evicted from the porch at Bonhoeffer, per the Board of Trustees at the church. (I have to be gone on Monday.)

Good news: I'm going to the Housing Crisis Center at the church down the street on Thursday (they say they can get me housing in five days. We'll see.)

The Epworth Project leaders want me to wait several months (possibly up to a year) before I try working with them on building an Epworth-style community or maybe launching an actual Epworth community. (They want to make sure I'm stable.) I don't know if I can wait that long! I've had a good taste of living in community from being at Bonhoeffer and the few times I've been to Cochran; this is something I need! I just don't know how to make people understand that I want and need something to belong to. Yes, they've all told me that I belong to the Bonhoeffer and Cochran communities, but I need more than just a few nights a week. I belong at Grace, but I need more than just Sunday morning or the occasional lunch meeting.

I need friends to spend time with, to talk to, to share stuff with. I've had that at Bonhoeffer, yes, but as I said, it's only a couple of nights a week and the occasional Saturday. (Not the guys' fault at all; I can understand that they're busy with school and work and responsibilities at the house... and I believe there's this thing called a "personal life" that they need time for, too.) And it's the same at Cochran House, Francis House, Savannah House...

I just need something to help me get rid of this depression and loneliness I feel.

Meeting, 2/23/17

I just had a very productive meeting/brainstorming session with Adam, Judith, and Ryan about how I can use my gifts to help at the church and Bonhoeffer.

One thing I can do is write a short note for the Grace newsletter once a month about what's going on at the house (for instance, if I'd written something to go out this week, I would have said that we will not be having community meals on March 1st due to the Ash Wednesday service at the church or on the 15th as three of the residents will be out of town then, and that we will be meeting for coffee and fellowship on the 25th and March 4th).

Once we see how that goes, I can start writing twice a month, as well as perhaps writing a Bonhoeffer House blog. (There actually used to be one written by the first house steward, but I guess he got too busy to keep it updated. 😊)

I'm also going to see about joining a couple of committees at the church; the Hospitality (Welcome) Committee (self-explanatory) and the Board of Church and Society (aka the Justice Team) which works for equal rights for the LGBT+ community, the disabled, and others. Plus, as I've said, I've been invited to join​ UMW and I've signed up for a Meet and Eat group.

I have a feeling I'm going to be quite busy (you should see the big ol' smile on my face right now)...

Living in community

I was asked earlier today what that phrase, concept means to me. What does "living in community" entail?

To me, living in (a) community such as Bonhoeffer or Cochran Houses, or any of the communities in the DFW area, means living and working together to minister to and help each other and the people in the neighborhoods we live in. It includes a sense of belonging (something I desperately need right now). We can talk and laugh (and cry) and pray together.

At this point, the leaders of the Epworth Project are concerned about me moving from the streets straight into a community. If I hadn't had experience with community living (admittedly not "intentional Christian communities"), I could probably see their point. But I've had roommates/housemates before, and I've generally gotten along with them. Certainly we've had differences, and for the most part we've been able to work through them.

Now, I realize that living in a house with three or four other people is a lot different than living in an apartment building. When you have separate apartments, you can pretty much avoid anyone you don't get along with, whereas living in a house you have to be able to work things out. I think I can do that. And if I can't work things out with whoever I have a problem with, well, I'm assuming that's partly why they have house meetings.

Also, being part of an Epworth community would help alleviate some of the loneliness and disconnectedness I'm feeling right now, and isn't that important too? Sure, I'm part of the Bonhoeffer community, and I'm becoming part of the Cochran community, but I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in most of the time (which I am). There's so much I can't be involved with because it's only for house residents, which I can understand. But that doesn't make me feel better about not being included.

All this is to say that I do realize that living in community is and will be hard work, and I am definitely willing to put in the hard work necessary to bring what I consider is my spiritual gift of mercy (empathy) to whatever community I live in. All I need is a chance.

My counselor at the church is going to help me find some groups to join. I'm already planning to join one of the "Meet and Eat" groups (that's one thing I'm quite good at! 😁), and I've also been invited to join United Methodist Women. We'll see what else I can get involved with...

New blog

Decided to create a new blog about my spiritual life.

A lot has been going on since I last updated my other Blogger (which is now private, sorry), so I figured I could keep everyone in the loop so to speak with this one. Hopefully I'll have tons to write about...