Musings

I suppose a lot of touchy-feely, angsty, emotional hoo-ha could be part of spiritual development, right? Well, I'm going to write about it anyway.

I was texting with a friend a little while ago, and this was my response when she asked me why the Epworth Project leaders  are opposed (if that's the right word) to me living in a community at this time:

"It's my neediness/clinginess/emotional dependency issues. They want me in a more "stable" position. What they don't realize is that living on my own, with no real [should have emphasized community] support, will probably make me more unstable, not less. I can't just "make friends". [If I feel a connection with someone, then yes, it's easy to make friends.] I wish I could.

"Something you told me last year, about feeling like an extrovert forced to live an introverted life, really resonated with me (so much so that I stole it! 😁) So no, I'm not going to put myself in a position where I feel like I'm pushing myself on people, whether they feel that way or not. Does that make any sense?

"If I lived in a house where I knew at least some of the people, even if only the house steward and his wife, and truly felt like I belonged (being able to participate fully in the life of the house), then I have a feeling I'd have a lot fewer issues.

"I've lived with myself for 45 years. I've learned a lot about myself. And also, I believe God brought me here for a reason -- to learn, certainly. But I don't think this would be weighing so heavily on me if he didn't want me living in community with people who care about me."

And that's exactly how I feel. I just don't know if I can make them understand.

That's not the only reason I want to live in community, though -- of course it's not! But they already know what I can bring to a community, so I won't go into all of that now. But I just know that I don't need to be living by myself at this point. Yes, I'll have my private place to retreat to when I don't want to be around other people... but I'd have my own room in an Epworth house -- a private place to retreat to when I don't want to be around other people. I don't understand the difference.