Cochran community meal, 3/23/17, and regarding loneliness

Just left the house and am on my way back to Bonhoeffer.

We had lots of fun tonight as usual. There were only four of us at the table -- Lisa had a late meeting, two of the usual guests were at Seder at SMU, and another is in Austin, so it was just me, Justin, Rebecca, and Macie. We spent quite a while building a monastery on an island off the coast of Scotland (or Ireland, wherever). 😁 Macie texted Lisa to come home and help us. (She sent it as a group text to the "Holy Club", the four residents of the house.)

And of course that made me feel lonely. I understand that most of their texts back and forth are logistical in nature, regarding stuff involving only them, but it made me wish I had more friends, or at least more people to talk to and just be silly like that with. (Lisa thought we'd all lost it, I think. Well, okay, I think she knows we lost it long ago... Did we ever have it??? LOL)

Like I said in my last post, I don't want to seem like I'm trying to push myself on people by approaching them and "begging" them to be my friends -- that's how I'd see it. (Of course past experiences have me so messed up I don't even know how others would see it. And they all have their own lives; who knows if they'd have time for me?)

Something's wrong when you're too scared to try to make friends. I'm fine, as I said, when people approach me (if I hadn't been almost desperate the first time I went to Bonhoeffer House, who knows if I'd be part of things now?) I just don't know what to do.

Loneliness

I hate to say it, but I think I may be on the verge of losing it.

All I do all day long is hang out at the church or at Bonhoeffer House. I mean, there are things to do -- right now I could be at the Bible study in the conference room; twice a week there's an exercise class downstairs... but I need to do something, get together with people away from the church.

I want to make friends and go out to eat once in awhile. Go see a movie. Just do something that doesn't involve church.

I just met with my Stephen minister and told her about sitting on the porch at the house  (I was thinking about something that happened this past weekend), listening to what was going on inside, knowing I couldn't be involved... I couldn't help crying. And I don't know what to do.

I think I may have said something once (I don't remember if it was here or in an email or what) about having to have lived an introverted life for so long that it's hard for me to make friends now. I mean, when people approach me it's fine, but I'm so afraid of being perceived as pushing myself on people that it's hard for me to approach them. Unless I have a reason to, I don't give out my phone number or email address, although I'd like to. Maybe someone would call me and just want to talk or something. I could hope.

I'm just sick of being alone all the time.

Thoughts

Y'know, I'm so glad that a friend of mine told me awhile back that (in his opinion, although a lot of people feel different 😊) it's all right to cuss during prayer (since God knows what we're thinking anyway). 'Cause for the past month or so my prayers have been along the lines of "K, Lord, with reverence -- what the f***?!"

Our Bible study tonight was about God commanding Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. One of the questions that was asked was "What was Abraham's response?" I said a lot different than any of ours would have been. Of course scripture doesn't really tell us what all he went through before he went up the mountain. His initial reaction may have been much like my statement above.

I'm feeling a bit like Abraham right now. I'm having to sacrifice something I really want, something that I feel will help me and others. No, I haven't been promised that a great nation will come out of what I do, but still I feel that it could be important. (I've even thought about launching my own Epworth type of community, but been advised to hold off on that as well.)

It's not like I have to sacrifice it forever, either. I can reapply for Epworth housing every year until I get in. But I'm so impatient -- I want it now, NOW, NOW!  (Patience may be a virtue, but it's not one of mine...)

It doesn't look like God's gonna send a ram for me to sacrifice in place of my dream anytime soon...

Housing

I heard from my case manager at CitySquare yesterday. They'll be opening up a new voucher program soon called Emergency Solutions Grants. She's emailed the supervisor and I believe is trying to get me priority status.

The best thing is that it will override the chronic homelessness, which means I should have housing soon -- hopefully by the summer. I hope to meet with the supervisor sometime and tell them exactly what I would like, if possible... meaning a place roughly halfway between Cochran and Bonhoeffer Houses so I can get to both places easily.

I'm praying it happens quickly.

Community dinner, 3/16/17

Had a marvelous time at Cochran House as usual. We had breakfast for dinner. Scrambled eggs, homemade bread with homemade butter (heavy whipping cream "churned" in a mixer) and homemade preserves. (Once again my lactose intolerance struck, but it was so worth it!)

I mentioned to Justin that I wanted to offer my services as a proofreader/editor to students at SMU, and he suggested that I work with junior high and high school students at first. That makes sense -- it would probably be easier, just to give me some experience.

I'll be volunteering at the church next week, proofing names and addresses for our online directory. If that goes well, then maybe I can work my way up to getting paying jobs from people. I hope so anyway.

Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals

My brother Pat just sent me a copy of the Pocket Edition, and I've already started reading it. It doesn't have all the liturgical stuff that the full edition has (readings for each day), but it has some wonderful prayers, and each month I can reflect on one of the marks of new monasticism (sharing economics, nurturing a common life, geographical proximity -- forming a community within a community, it sounds like -- caring for creation, etc.) There's also a table of scripture readings for morning prayers, which will be helpful.

I think I'll get a lot of use out of this book. 😊

Musings

I suppose a lot of touchy-feely, angsty, emotional hoo-ha could be part of spiritual development, right? Well, I'm going to write about it anyway.

I was texting with a friend a little while ago, and this was my response when she asked me why the Epworth Project leaders  are opposed (if that's the right word) to me living in a community at this time:

"It's my neediness/clinginess/emotional dependency issues. They want me in a more "stable" position. What they don't realize is that living on my own, with no real [should have emphasized community] support, will probably make me more unstable, not less. I can't just "make friends". [If I feel a connection with someone, then yes, it's easy to make friends.] I wish I could.

"Something you told me last year, about feeling like an extrovert forced to live an introverted life, really resonated with me (so much so that I stole it! 😁) So no, I'm not going to put myself in a position where I feel like I'm pushing myself on people, whether they feel that way or not. Does that make any sense?

"If I lived in a house where I knew at least some of the people, even if only the house steward and his wife, and truly felt like I belonged (being able to participate fully in the life of the house), then I have a feeling I'd have a lot fewer issues.

"I've lived with myself for 45 years. I've learned a lot about myself. And also, I believe God brought me here for a reason -- to learn, certainly. But I don't think this would be weighing so heavily on me if he didn't want me living in community with people who care about me."

And that's exactly how I feel. I just don't know if I can make them understand.

That's not the only reason I want to live in community, though -- of course it's not! But they already know what I can bring to a community, so I won't go into all of that now. But I just know that I don't need to be living by myself at this point. Yes, I'll have my private place to retreat to when I don't want to be around other people... but I'd have my own room in an Epworth house -- a private place to retreat to when I don't want to be around other people. I don't understand the difference.

New Day service, 3/5/17

The service at Amani House  tonight was wonderful! The hosts, Peter and  Ahadi (sp?), are a lovely Congolese couple (Peter was at choir practice, so I actually didn't get to meet him 😊), so we got to learn two praise songs in Swahili, plus we had our scripture reading (Matthew 17:1-13) in Swahili, Korean, and English (three different readings).

That's one thing I love about being at Grace and being part of the Epworth communities -- there are people from all different cultures and backgrounds. So different from the churches I went to 20+ years ago.

Having heard the Lord's Prayer in Korean the past few weeks, and in Swahili tonight, makes me want to learn it in Japanese now, lol. (For those who don't know, I'm Japanese on my mom's side; I was just never interested in learning the language.)

Even though I didn't feel like I was "home" as I do at Bonhoeffer and Cochran Houses, I do look forward to going to future services there.