Why do things have to be so damn hard? I want to stay and I want to go.

Maybe I will leave Dallas. First thing when I get my check next month I'll go get a new ID (use Bonhoeffer as my "home" address, but have it mailed to the church), and then, as soon as it comes in, buy a bus ticket to wherever.

I don't think it's that I can't separate emotionally from the guys. I guess I can if I want to... but I don't want to. I told Ryan that I don't know how to separate, and he said that the physical space would help. Then I asked him, "What if I don't want to?"  He told me that we'd have a problem then -- if I can't separate, if I continue with this emotional attachment/dependence, he'll have to force a separation, and he doesn't want to do that. (That is why I love him so much. He understands and acknowledges how I feel/would feel. He's an amazing person.)

This is worse than what happened two years ago, because now I don't have the benefit of some 5,000 miles (including an ocean!) between us. But one of these days I will be able to separate -- and I'll be able to just be friends with the guys. But at this point, no matter what Ryan thinks, I need them too much. And I agree with him on one point, it's not healthy for any of us. That's why I want a lot of physical distance between me and the house for awhile.

Ryan says that I'm "enslaved" to the house (the residents collectively), and I'm sure he's right about that, too. And I think the only way to get "unenslaved", for lack of a better word, is to put all that physical distance between us.

I have no idea where I'll go. Just head out, I guess. See if I can find yet another new place to belong...