Soul searching

I've been thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that the reason I'm so attached to Bonhoeffer House is because the guys are here, and recently they're really the only ones who have been.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers here, but I honestly don't want to spend all my time with them. (Shocking, I know.) Given the chance to hang out with other people, I'd take it. I have taken it. I want to make other friends. I want to get to know people. That's why I've been begging for someone to call me, message me on Facebook, anything. I don't want to just talk about my problems; that's getting old even for me.

I'm a Star Trek fan. I'm a classic rock fan. I love to read anything from horror (Stephen King, Dean Koontz) to mystery (Mary Higgins Clark) to John Grisham... and I also love humor. (Unfortunately my own sense of humor seems to have gone underground for the most part of late, but I promise you I do have one!) As most of you have noticed, I'm also a writer. I'm articulate (most of the time 😊), intelligent, idealistic... But you all know that. Yes, I talk slow, but that doesn't mean I am slow (and no one's really treated me like I am, for which I'm thankful).

Bottom line: there may be resources at a shelter that I can't get from Bonhoeffer or Grace, but what about the connections, the friendships that I also need? Being at a shelter won't alleviate the desperate loneliness I feel. I just want someone to spend time with me, getting to know me as a person. I don't know if it's too late to form that kind of a friendship with a couple of the guys at Bonhoeffer -- I pray it's not. But I can make friends outside of that community if I have a chance to.

I'm feeling just like I did when I was in school. Plenty of people know me, or at least know who I am, but no one wants to spend time with me, it feels like. I mean, I had my Stephen minister for a month, and now I have a spiritual director, but I don't have any friends to go out and do stuff with.

Tonight the guys are in the house, eating and having fun (I don't know if they have friends over) and as usual I'm sitting on the porch, wishing desperately that I could be a part of it -- or a part of something. As I said in my Instagram post, I'm sick of being alone and lonely, feeling like no one really wants me or cares about me.

I had a chance to go to Cochran House last night and hang out, watching The Jungle Book and visiting. Unfortunately I took an Uber to Jack in the Box for an early dinner and left my phone in the car so had to wait and hope the driver would come back. (She did, and even gave me a ride home.) So I missed my chance to go up there. But even that was a community event, not something they invited me to because they wanted to spend time with me personally.

To be fair, Justin has put me on his schedule a few times and will continue, for which I'm very grateful. He does want to be friends. And I do know how busy the girls at Cochran and the guys at Bonhoeffer are. But I don't think it's too much to want people to hang out with.

Cochran community meal, 3/23/17, and regarding loneliness

Just left the house and am on my way back to Bonhoeffer.

We had lots of fun tonight as usual. There were only four of us at the table -- Lisa had a late meeting, two of the usual guests were at Seder at SMU, and another is in Austin, so it was just me, Justin, Rebecca, and Macie. We spent quite a while building a monastery on an island off the coast of Scotland (or Ireland, wherever). 😁 Macie texted Lisa to come home and help us. (She sent it as a group text to the "Holy Club", the four residents of the house.)

And of course that made me feel lonely. I understand that most of their texts back and forth are logistical in nature, regarding stuff involving only them, but it made me wish I had more friends, or at least more people to talk to and just be silly like that with. (Lisa thought we'd all lost it, I think. Well, okay, I think she knows we lost it long ago... Did we ever have it??? LOL)

Like I said in my last post, I don't want to seem like I'm trying to push myself on people by approaching them and "begging" them to be my friends -- that's how I'd see it. (Of course past experiences have me so messed up I don't even know how others would see it. And they all have their own lives; who knows if they'd have time for me?)

Something's wrong when you're too scared to try to make friends. I'm fine, as I said, when people approach me (if I hadn't been almost desperate the first time I went to Bonhoeffer House, who knows if I'd be part of things now?) I just don't know what to do.

Loneliness

I hate to say it, but I think I may be on the verge of losing it.

All I do all day long is hang out at the church or at Bonhoeffer House. I mean, there are things to do -- right now I could be at the Bible study in the conference room; twice a week there's an exercise class downstairs... but I need to do something, get together with people away from the church.

I want to make friends and go out to eat once in awhile. Go see a movie. Just do something that doesn't involve church.

I just met with my Stephen minister and told her about sitting on the porch at the house  (I was thinking about something that happened this past weekend), listening to what was going on inside, knowing I couldn't be involved... I couldn't help crying. And I don't know what to do.

I think I may have said something once (I don't remember if it was here or in an email or what) about having to have lived an introverted life for so long that it's hard for me to make friends now. I mean, when people approach me it's fine, but I'm so afraid of being perceived as pushing myself on people that it's hard for me to approach them. Unless I have a reason to, I don't give out my phone number or email address, although I'd like to. Maybe someone would call me and just want to talk or something. I could hope.

I'm just sick of being alone all the time.

Good news, bad news, worse news

Bad news: Epworth housing is off the table -- for now.

Worse news: I'm being evicted from the porch at Bonhoeffer, per the Board of Trustees at the church. (I have to be gone on Monday.)

Good news: I'm going to the Housing Crisis Center at the church down the street on Thursday (they say they can get me housing in five days. We'll see.)

The Epworth Project leaders want me to wait several months (possibly up to a year) before I try working with them on building an Epworth-style community or maybe launching an actual Epworth community. (They want to make sure I'm stable.) I don't know if I can wait that long! I've had a good taste of living in community from being at Bonhoeffer and the few times I've been to Cochran; this is something I need! I just don't know how to make people understand that I want and need something to belong to. Yes, they've all told me that I belong to the Bonhoeffer and Cochran communities, but I need more than just a few nights a week. I belong at Grace, but I need more than just Sunday morning or the occasional lunch meeting.

I need friends to spend time with, to talk to, to share stuff with. I've had that at Bonhoeffer, yes, but as I said, it's only a couple of nights a week and the occasional Saturday. (Not the guys' fault at all; I can understand that they're busy with school and work and responsibilities at the house... and I believe there's this thing called a "personal life" that they need time for, too.) And it's the same at Cochran House, Francis House, Savannah House...

I just need something to help me get rid of this depression and loneliness I feel.