Soul searching

I've been thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that the reason I'm so attached to Bonhoeffer House is because the guys are here, and recently they're really the only ones who have been.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers here, but I honestly don't want to spend all my time with them. (Shocking, I know.) Given the chance to hang out with other people, I'd take it. I have taken it. I want to make other friends. I want to get to know people. That's why I've been begging for someone to call me, message me on Facebook, anything. I don't want to just talk about my problems; that's getting old even for me.

I'm a Star Trek fan. I'm a classic rock fan. I love to read anything from horror (Stephen King, Dean Koontz) to mystery (Mary Higgins Clark) to John Grisham... and I also love humor. (Unfortunately my own sense of humor seems to have gone underground for the most part of late, but I promise you I do have one!) As most of you have noticed, I'm also a writer. I'm articulate (most of the time 😊), intelligent, idealistic... But you all know that. Yes, I talk slow, but that doesn't mean I am slow (and no one's really treated me like I am, for which I'm thankful).

Bottom line: there may be resources at a shelter that I can't get from Bonhoeffer or Grace, but what about the connections, the friendships that I also need? Being at a shelter won't alleviate the desperate loneliness I feel. I just want someone to spend time with me, getting to know me as a person. I don't know if it's too late to form that kind of a friendship with a couple of the guys at Bonhoeffer -- I pray it's not. But I can make friends outside of that community if I have a chance to.

Cochran community meal, 3/23/17, and regarding loneliness

Just left the house and am on my way back to Bonhoeffer.

We had lots of fun tonight as usual. There were only four of us at the table -- Lisa had a late meeting, two of the usual guests were at Seder at SMU, and another is in Austin, so it was just me, Justin, Rebecca, and Macie. We spent quite a while building a monastery on an island off the coast of Scotland (or Ireland, wherever). 😁 Macie texted Lisa to come home and help us. (She sent it as a group text to the "Holy Club", the four residents of the house.)

And of course that made me feel lonely. I understand that most of their texts back and forth are logistical in nature, regarding stuff involving only them, but it made me wish I had more friends, or at least more people to talk to and just be silly like that with. (Lisa thought we'd all lost it, I think. Well, okay, I think she knows we lost it long ago... Did we ever have it??? LOL)

Like I said in my last post, I don't want to seem like I'm trying to push myself on people by approaching them and "begging" them to be my friends -- that's how I'd see it. (Of course past experiences have me so messed up I don't even know how others would see it. And they all have their own lives; who knows if they'd have time for me?)

Something's wrong when you're too scared to try to make friends. I'm fine, as I said, when people approach me (if I hadn't been almost desperate the first time I went to Bonhoeffer House, who knows if I'd be part of things now?) I just don't know what to do.

Thoughts

Y'know, I'm so glad that a friend of mine told me awhile back that (in his opinion, although a lot of people feel different 😊) it's all right to cuss during prayer (since God knows what we're thinking anyway). 'Cause for the past month or so my prayers have been along the lines of "K, Lord, with reverence -- what the f***?!"

Our Bible study tonight was about God commanding Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. One of the questions that was asked was "What was Abraham's response?" I said a lot different than any of ours would have been. Of course scripture doesn't really tell us what all he went through before he went up the mountain. His initial reaction may have been much like my statement above.

I'm feeling a bit like Abraham right now. I'm having to sacrifice something I really want, something that I feel will help me and others. No, I haven't been promised that a great nation will come out of what I do, but still I feel that it could be important. (I've even thought about launching my own Epworth type of community, but been advised to hold off on that as well.)

It's not like I have to sacrifice it forever, either. I can reapply for Epworth housing every year until I get in. But I'm so impatient -- I want it now, NOW, NOW!  (Patience may be a virtue, but it's not one of mine...)

It doesn't look like God's gonna send a ram for me to sacrifice in place of my dream anytime soon...

Community dinner, 3/16/17

Had a marvelous time at Cochran House as usual. We had breakfast for dinner. Scrambled eggs, homemade bread with homemade butter (heavy whipping cream "churned" in a mixer) and homemade preserves. (Once again my lactose intolerance struck, but it was so worth it!)

I mentioned to Justin that I wanted to offer my services as a proofreader/editor to students at SMU, and he suggested that I work with junior high and high school students at first. That makes sense -- it would probably be easier, just to give me some experience.

I'll be volunteering at the church next week, proofing names and addresses for our online directory. If that goes well, then maybe I can work my way up to getting paying jobs from people. I hope so anyway.