Musings

I suppose a lot of touchy-feely, angsty, emotional hoo-ha could be part of spiritual development, right? Well, I'm going to write about it anyway.

I was texting with a friend a little while ago, and this was my response when she asked me why the Epworth Project leaders  are opposed (if that's the right word) to me living in a community at this time:

"It's my neediness/clinginess/emotional dependency issues. They want me in a more "stable" position. What they don't realize is that living on my own, with no real [should have emphasized community] support, will probably make me more unstable, not less. I can't just "make friends". [If I feel a connection with someone, then yes, it's easy to make friends.] I wish I could.

"Something you told me last year, about feeling like an extrovert forced to live an introverted life, really resonated with me (so much so that I stole it! 😁) So no, I'm not going to put myself in a position where I feel like I'm pushing myself on people, whether they feel that way or not. Does that make any sense?

"If I lived in a house where I knew at least some of the people, even if only the house steward and his wife, and truly felt like I belonged (being able to participate fully in the life of the house), then I have a feeling I'd have a lot fewer issues.

"I've lived with myself for 45 years. I've learned a lot about myself. And also, I believe God brought me here for a reason -- to learn, certainly. But I don't think this would be weighing so heavily on me if he didn't want me living in community with people who care about me."

And that's exactly how I feel. I just don't know if I can make them understand.

That's not the only reason I want to live in community, though -- of course it's not! But they already know what I can bring to a community, so I won't go into all of that now. But I just know that I don't need to be living by myself at this point. Yes, I'll have my private place to retreat to when I don't want to be around other people... but I'd have my own room in an Epworth house -- a private place to retreat to when I don't want to be around other people. I don't understand the difference.

Good news, bad news, worse news

Bad news: Epworth housing is off the table -- for now.

Worse news: I'm being evicted from the porch at Bonhoeffer, per the Board of Trustees at the church. (I have to be gone on Monday.)

Good news: I'm going to the Housing Crisis Center at the church down the street on Thursday (they say they can get me housing in five days. We'll see.)

The Epworth Project leaders want me to wait several months (possibly up to a year) before I try working with them on building an Epworth-style community or maybe launching an actual Epworth community. (They want to make sure I'm stable.) I don't know if I can wait that long! I've had a good taste of living in community from being at Bonhoeffer and the few times I've been to Cochran; this is something I need! I just don't know how to make people understand that I want and need something to belong to. Yes, they've all told me that I belong to the Bonhoeffer and Cochran communities, but I need more than just a few nights a week. I belong at Grace, but I need more than just Sunday morning or the occasional lunch meeting.

I need friends to spend time with, to talk to, to share stuff with. I've had that at Bonhoeffer, yes, but as I said, it's only a couple of nights a week and the occasional Saturday. (Not the guys' fault at all; I can understand that they're busy with school and work and responsibilities at the house... and I believe there's this thing called a "personal life" that they need time for, too.) And it's the same at Cochran House, Francis House, Savannah House...

I just need something to help me get rid of this depression and loneliness I feel.

Living in community

I was asked earlier today what that phrase, concept means to me. What does "living in community" entail?

To me, living in (a) community such as Bonhoeffer or Cochran Houses, or any of the communities in the DFW area, means living and working together to minister to and help each other and the people in the neighborhoods we live in. It includes a sense of belonging (something I desperately need right now). We can talk and laugh (and cry) and pray together.

At this point, the leaders of the Epworth Project are concerned about me moving from the streets straight into a community. If I hadn't had experience with community living (admittedly not "intentional Christian communities"), I could probably see their point. But I've had roommates/housemates before, and I've generally gotten along with them. Certainly we've had differences, and for the most part we've been able to work through them.

Now, I realize that living in a house with three or four other people is a lot different than living in an apartment building. When you have separate apartments, you can pretty much avoid anyone you don't get along with, whereas living in a house you have to be able to work things out. I think I can do that. And if I can't work things out with whoever I have a problem with, well, I'm assuming that's partly why they have house meetings.

Also, being part of an Epworth community would help alleviate some of the loneliness and disconnectedness I'm feeling right now, and isn't that important too? Sure, I'm part of the Bonhoeffer community, and I'm becoming part of the Cochran community, but I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in most of the time (which I am). There's so much I can't be involved with because it's only for house residents, which I can understand. But that doesn't make me feel better about not being included.

All this is to say that I do realize that living in community is and will be hard work, and I am definitely willing to put in the hard work necessary to bring what I consider is my spiritual gift of mercy (empathy) to whatever community I live in. All I need is a chance.

My counselor at the church is going to help me find some groups to join. I'm already planning to join one of the "Meet and Eat" groups (that's one thing I'm quite good at! 😁), and I've also been invited to join United Methodist Women. We'll see what else I can get involved with...