Soul searching

I've been thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that the reason I'm so attached to Bonhoeffer House is because the guys are here, and recently they're really the only ones who have been.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers here, but I honestly don't want to spend all my time with them. (Shocking, I know.) Given the chance to hang out with other people, I'd take it. I have taken it. I want to make other friends. I want to get to know people. That's why I've been begging for someone to call me, message me on Facebook, anything. I don't want to just talk about my problems; that's getting old even for me.

I'm a Star Trek fan. I'm a classic rock fan. I love to read anything from horror (Stephen King, Dean Koontz) to mystery (Mary Higgins Clark) to John Grisham... and I also love humor. (Unfortunately my own sense of humor seems to have gone underground for the most part of late, but I promise you I do have one!) As most of you have noticed, I'm also a writer. I'm articulate (most of the time 😊), intelligent, idealistic... But you all know that. Yes, I talk slow, but that doesn't mean I am slow (and no one's really treated me like I am, for which I'm thankful).

Bottom line: there may be resources at a shelter that I can't get from Bonhoeffer or Grace, but what about the connections, the friendships that I also need? Being at a shelter won't alleviate the desperate loneliness I feel. I just want someone to spend time with me, getting to know me as a person. I don't know if it's too late to form that kind of a friendship with a couple of the guys at Bonhoeffer -- I pray it's not. But I can make friends outside of that community if I have a chance to.

Loneliness

I hate to say it, but I think I may be on the verge of losing it.

All I do all day long is hang out at the church or at Bonhoeffer House. I mean, there are things to do -- right now I could be at the Bible study in the conference room; twice a week there's an exercise class downstairs... but I need to do something, get together with people away from the church.

I want to make friends and go out to eat once in awhile. Go see a movie. Just do something that doesn't involve church.

I just met with my Stephen minister and told her about sitting on the porch at the house  (I was thinking about something that happened this past weekend), listening to what was going on inside, knowing I couldn't be involved... I couldn't help crying. And I don't know what to do.

I think I may have said something once (I don't remember if it was here or in an email or what) about having to have lived an introverted life for so long that it's hard for me to make friends now. I mean, when people approach me it's fine, but I'm so afraid of being perceived as pushing myself on people that it's hard for me to approach them. Unless I have a reason to, I don't give out my phone number or email address, although I'd like to. Maybe someone would call me and just want to talk or something. I could hope.

I'm just sick of being alone all the time.