Soul searching

I've been thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that the reason I'm so attached to Bonhoeffer House is because the guys are here, and recently they're really the only ones who have been.

Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers here, but I honestly don't want to spend all my time with them. (Shocking, I know.) Given the chance to hang out with other people, I'd take it. I have taken it. I want to make other friends. I want to get to know people. That's why I've been begging for someone to call me, message me on Facebook, anything. I don't want to just talk about my problems; that's getting old even for me.

I'm a Star Trek fan. I'm a classic rock fan. I love to read anything from horror (Stephen King, Dean Koontz) to mystery (Mary Higgins Clark) to John Grisham... and I also love humor. (Unfortunately my own sense of humor seems to have gone underground for the most part of late, but I promise you I do have one!) As most of you have noticed, I'm also a writer. I'm articulate (most of the time 😊), intelligent, idealistic... But you all know that. Yes, I talk slow, but that doesn't mean I am slow (and no one's really treated me like I am, for which I'm thankful).

Bottom line: there may be resources at a shelter that I can't get from Bonhoeffer or Grace, but what about the connections, the friendships that I also need? Being at a shelter won't alleviate the desperate loneliness I feel. I just want someone to spend time with me, getting to know me as a person. I don't know if it's too late to form that kind of a friendship with a couple of the guys at Bonhoeffer -- I pray it's not. But I can make friends outside of that community if I have a chance to.

Why do things have to be so damn hard? I want to stay and I want to go.

Maybe I will leave Dallas. First thing when I get my check next month I'll go get a new ID (use Bonhoeffer as my "home" address, but have it mailed to the church), and then, as soon as it comes in, buy a bus ticket to wherever.

I don't think it's that I can't separate emotionally from the guys. I guess I can if I want to... but I don't want to. I told Ryan that I don't know how to separate, and he said that the physical space would help. Then I asked him, "What if I don't want to?"  He told me that we'd have a problem then -- if I can't separate, if I continue with this emotional attachment/dependence, he'll have to force a separation, and he doesn't want to do that. (That is why I love him so much. He understands and acknowledges how I feel/would feel. He's an amazing person.)

This is worse than what happened two years ago, because now I don't have the benefit of some 5,000 miles (including an ocean!) between us. But one of these days I will be able to separate -- and I'll be able to just be friends with the guys. But at this point, no matter what Ryan thinks, I need them too much. And I agree with him on one point, it's not healthy for any of us. That's why I want a lot of physical distance between me and the house for awhile.

Ryan says that I'm "enslaved" to the house (the residents collectively), and I'm sure he's right about that, too. And I think the only way to get "unenslaved", for lack of a better word, is to put all that physical distance between us.

I have no idea where I'll go. Just head out, I guess. See if I can find yet another new place to belong...

I'm wondering... if I give my phone number out (not that I even know who to give it to), would anyone call me just to talk?

Would anyone be willing to come pick me up from the house and spend time with me during the day (or even in the evening)? I just get so bored hanging around the house and the church most of the time (no offense to the wonderful people who live and work here, lol). And even when I go to SMU, I'm by myself.

One day last week I was there and saw some students on one of the quads. I wanted so much to join them, just to hang out and be with people, you know? But I was also afraid I'd be interrupting them so I didn't go over.

I wish I could meet up with some people away from here. I want to just talk about stuff -- like Star Trek and classic rock music and Adam Lambert (who I adore, BTW...) and books and a lot of things. Just have fun! I still don't think that's too much to ask...

Finding home

I first came to Bonhoeffer House around December 8th of last year, just wanting a place to spend the night (it was near freezing; not a good night to be sleeping in the church parking lot). I never expected to find a home here, but that's exactly what happened.

About a month later, I met with Ceceliah Igweta for the first time to discuss the possibility of joining an Epworth community. I asked about the possibility of spending time at one of the houses, immersing myself in the life the members live, and Ceceliah suggested Cochran House. I thought about it and prayed, and I really believe that God told me that would also be home to me -- which it has been, since the first time I went there for their Thursday night meal. I immediately felt comfortable and like Justin and the girls were family, just as much as the guys at Bonhoeffer are.

I feel that way about Grace Church, as well -- the first time I went to Sunday morning service on December 18th, I felt welcome and like I belonged there -- which I hadn't felt about church in years. (I went to a few masses at Holy Trinity Catholic Church, but they didn't really affect me.)

Pastor Mary at Grace has found me an apartment with a lady who goes to Oasis Global Church where Mary is the pastor. I'm very grateful to her, but... I don't have the "gut feeling" that I'm supposed to be there. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of leaving Bonhoeffer (well, actually that's a given -- as I told Ryan a couple of hours ago, the thought of leaving "home" scares the hell out of me), or if I'm actually supposed to stay in this area. I'm willing to concede that God may be trying to push me out of my comfort zone, but it kind of doesn't feel like that to me. I think I've grown more spiritually over the past five months, living here, than I did in 25 or so years of going to a Baptist church.

I think someone commented during Sunday school a week or so ago that church is sometimes like a club or social get-together, and that's really how I felt early in my life... I went to church more to see my friends than because I was getting anything out of it, spiritually speaking. That is not how I feel about going to Grace. The sermons really touch me, no matter who's preaching, and just being in such a holy place where you know God is... I really can't put into words the effect it's had on me.

And that's why I don't really want to move to far north Dallas, where it'll take me well over an hour to get here on the bus. Better that I find a place close by so I can be around the people who have helped me grow in my faith.

And I feel peace about the fact that I may have to defer starting school for awhile -- not forever, but just until I get settled. (The fact that it'll take me over an hour to get to and from El Centro has a lot to do with it, too...)

So. I guess I'm going to be homeless for a bit longer than I planned...

I'm feeling just like I did when I was in school. Plenty of people know me, or at least know who I am, but no one wants to spend time with me, it feels like. I mean, I had my Stephen minister for a month, and now I have a spiritual director, but I don't have any friends to go out and do stuff with.

Tonight the guys are in the house, eating and having fun (I don't know if they have friends over) and as usual I'm sitting on the porch, wishing desperately that I could be a part of it -- or a part of something. As I said in my Instagram post, I'm sick of being alone and lonely, feeling like no one really wants me or cares about me.

I had a chance to go to Cochran House last night and hang out, watching The Jungle Book and visiting. Unfortunately I took an Uber to Jack in the Box for an early dinner and left my phone in the car so had to wait and hope the driver would come back. (She did, and even gave me a ride home.) So I missed my chance to go up there. But even that was a community event, not something they invited me to because they wanted to spend time with me personally.

To be fair, Justin has put me on his schedule a few times and will continue, for which I'm very grateful. He does want to be friends. And I do know how busy the girls at Cochran and the guys at Bonhoeffer are. But I don't think it's too much to want people to hang out with.

Cochran community meal, 3/23/17, and regarding loneliness

Just left the house and am on my way back to Bonhoeffer.

We had lots of fun tonight as usual. There were only four of us at the table -- Lisa had a late meeting, two of the usual guests were at Seder at SMU, and another is in Austin, so it was just me, Justin, Rebecca, and Macie. We spent quite a while building a monastery on an island off the coast of Scotland (or Ireland, wherever). 😁 Macie texted Lisa to come home and help us. (She sent it as a group text to the "Holy Club", the four residents of the house.)

And of course that made me feel lonely. I understand that most of their texts back and forth are logistical in nature, regarding stuff involving only them, but it made me wish I had more friends, or at least more people to talk to and just be silly like that with. (Lisa thought we'd all lost it, I think. Well, okay, I think she knows we lost it long ago... Did we ever have it??? LOL)

Like I said in my last post, I don't want to seem like I'm trying to push myself on people by approaching them and "begging" them to be my friends -- that's how I'd see it. (Of course past experiences have me so messed up I don't even know how others would see it. And they all have their own lives; who knows if they'd have time for me?)

Something's wrong when you're too scared to try to make friends. I'm fine, as I said, when people approach me (if I hadn't been almost desperate the first time I went to Bonhoeffer House, who knows if I'd be part of things now?) I just don't know what to do.

Loneliness

I hate to say it, but I think I may be on the verge of losing it.

All I do all day long is hang out at the church or at Bonhoeffer House. I mean, there are things to do -- right now I could be at the Bible study in the conference room; twice a week there's an exercise class downstairs... but I need to do something, get together with people away from the church.

I want to make friends and go out to eat once in awhile. Go see a movie. Just do something that doesn't involve church.

I just met with my Stephen minister and told her about sitting on the porch at the house  (I was thinking about something that happened this past weekend), listening to what was going on inside, knowing I couldn't be involved... I couldn't help crying. And I don't know what to do.

I think I may have said something once (I don't remember if it was here or in an email or what) about having to have lived an introverted life for so long that it's hard for me to make friends now. I mean, when people approach me it's fine, but I'm so afraid of being perceived as pushing myself on people that it's hard for me to approach them. Unless I have a reason to, I don't give out my phone number or email address, although I'd like to. Maybe someone would call me and just want to talk or something. I could hope.

I'm just sick of being alone all the time.

Thoughts

Y'know, I'm so glad that a friend of mine told me awhile back that (in his opinion, although a lot of people feel different 😊) it's all right to cuss during prayer (since God knows what we're thinking anyway). 'Cause for the past month or so my prayers have been along the lines of "K, Lord, with reverence -- what the f***?!"

Our Bible study tonight was about God commanding Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. One of the questions that was asked was "What was Abraham's response?" I said a lot different than any of ours would have been. Of course scripture doesn't really tell us what all he went through before he went up the mountain. His initial reaction may have been much like my statement above.

I'm feeling a bit like Abraham right now. I'm having to sacrifice something I really want, something that I feel will help me and others. No, I haven't been promised that a great nation will come out of what I do, but still I feel that it could be important. (I've even thought about launching my own Epworth type of community, but been advised to hold off on that as well.)

It's not like I have to sacrifice it forever, either. I can reapply for Epworth housing every year until I get in. But I'm so impatient -- I want it now, NOW, NOW!  (Patience may be a virtue, but it's not one of mine...)

It doesn't look like God's gonna send a ram for me to sacrifice in place of my dream anytime soon...

Housing

I heard from my case manager at CitySquare yesterday. They'll be opening up a new voucher program soon called Emergency Solutions Grants. She's emailed the supervisor and I believe is trying to get me priority status.

The best thing is that it will override the chronic homelessness, which means I should have housing soon -- hopefully by the summer. I hope to meet with the supervisor sometime and tell them exactly what I would like, if possible... meaning a place roughly halfway between Cochran and Bonhoeffer Houses so I can get to both places easily.

I'm praying it happens quickly.

Community dinner, 3/16/17

Had a marvelous time at Cochran House as usual. We had breakfast for dinner. Scrambled eggs, homemade bread with homemade butter (heavy whipping cream "churned" in a mixer) and homemade preserves. (Once again my lactose intolerance struck, but it was so worth it!)

I mentioned to Justin that I wanted to offer my services as a proofreader/editor to students at SMU, and he suggested that I work with junior high and high school students at first. That makes sense -- it would probably be easier, just to give me some experience.

I'll be volunteering at the church next week, proofing names and addresses for our online directory. If that goes well, then maybe I can work my way up to getting paying jobs from people. I hope so anyway.