Thoughts

Y'know, I'm so glad that a friend of mine told me awhile back that (in his opinion, although a lot of people feel different 😊) it's all right to cuss during prayer (since God knows what we're thinking anyway). 'Cause for the past month or so my prayers have been along the lines of "K, Lord, with reverence -- what the f***?!"

Our Bible study tonight was about God commanding Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. One of the questions that was asked was "What was Abraham's response?" I said a lot different than any of ours would have been. Of course scripture doesn't really tell us what all he went through before he went up the mountain. His initial reaction may have been much like my statement above.

I'm feeling a bit like Abraham right now. I'm having to sacrifice something I really want, something that I feel will help me and others. No, I haven't been promised that a great nation will come out of what I do, but still I feel that it could be important. (I've even thought about launching my own Epworth type of community, but been advised to hold off on that as well.)

It's not like I have to sacrifice it forever, either. I can reapply for Epworth housing every year until I get in. But I'm so impatient -- I want it now, NOW, NOW!  (Patience may be a virtue, but it's not one of mine...)

It doesn't look like God's gonna send a ram for me to sacrifice in place of my dream anytime soon...

Musings

I suppose a lot of touchy-feely, angsty, emotional hoo-ha could be part of spiritual development, right? Well, I'm going to write about it anyway.

I was texting with a friend a little while ago, and this was my response when she asked me why the Epworth Project leaders  are opposed (if that's the right word) to me living in a community at this time:

"It's my neediness/clinginess/emotional dependency issues. They want me in a more "stable" position. What they don't realize is that living on my own, with no real [should have emphasized community] support, will probably make me more unstable, not less. I can't just "make friends". [If I feel a connection with someone, then yes, it's easy to make friends.] I wish I could.

"Something you told me last year, about feeling like an extrovert forced to live an introverted life, really resonated with me (so much so that I stole it! 😁) So no, I'm not going to put myself in a position where I feel like I'm pushing myself on people, whether they feel that way or not. Does that make any sense?

"If I lived in a house where I knew at least some of the people, even if only the house steward and his wife, and truly felt like I belonged (being able to participate fully in the life of the house), then I have a feeling I'd have a lot fewer issues.

"I've lived with myself for 45 years. I've learned a lot about myself. And also, I believe God brought me here for a reason -- to learn, certainly. But I don't think this would be weighing so heavily on me if he didn't want me living in community with people who care about me."

And that's exactly how I feel. I just don't know if I can make them understand.

That's not the only reason I want to live in community, though -- of course it's not! But they already know what I can bring to a community, so I won't go into all of that now. But I just know that I don't need to be living by myself at this point. Yes, I'll have my private place to retreat to when I don't want to be around other people... but I'd have my own room in an Epworth house -- a private place to retreat to when I don't want to be around other people. I don't understand the difference.

New blog

Decided to create a new blog about my spiritual life.

A lot has been going on since I last updated my other Blogger (which is now private, sorry), so I figured I could keep everyone in the loop so to speak with this one. Hopefully I'll have tons to write about...